A Cosmic Phenomenon

Cereal. Truly a cosmic phenomenon. Not only is cereal a staple of my diet, it represents a pure, timeless joy that I can experience every day with no serious bodily or financial repercussions. In fact, one could argue, and I have on several occasions, that eating cereal is a very spiritual experience. It combines two of my most favorite things: food and milk. Now, I categorize cereal under four broad, fluid categories that I have developed over a long period of exhaustive, delicious research. These categories are Sugar-based, Chocolate-based, Crunch-based, and Health-based. With Sugar cereals you've got your whole frosted family and your cinnamon family. I usually lump the honey cereals in with the sugars as well except for "Honey Smacks" or "Golden Crisp" which are obviously Crunch based and pretty much the exact same cereal. I've heard some rumors of placing these in a new "Seashell" category because of their faint resemblance, but most experts will tell you the movement is simply a red herring. The Chocolates are fairly self-explanatory and I generally stay away from them because of bad experiences with them in the past (Count Chocula almost killed me). And then comes my personal favorite: the Crunch cereals. The primary appeal of these cereals lies in their texture, shape, and in rare cases sound (Rice Krispies). Some Sugar or Chocolate enthusiasts will try to tell you that Crunch cereals are more susceptible to sogginess than the other varieties, but this is simply bunk. If those Flakes and Chockheads, as we in the biz like to call them, were as enthusiastic about Crunch cereals as we were they wouldn't get the opportunity to get soggy if you know what I mean. Some marquee Crunch cereals are Crispix, Pops, Apple Jacks, and, the mother of all crunch cereals, Captain Crunch. Now Health cereals I generally avoid actually because of health reasons. Mental health reasons. The very idea of cereal having fruit instead of chocolate or sugar is simply mind-boggling, but if you put a gun to my head and said I had to eat a healthy cereal I'd probably go with Chex or Honey Bunches of Oats. Now some cereals may fall under two categories like Honey Cheerios or Frosted Mini-Wheats that are sugary, yet somehow healthy. Their very titles are paradoxical. And other cereals will fail to be categorized entirely like the new Eggo cereals coming out. Nobody knows what's goin' on with those things. Perhaps these anomalies could be placed in their own category, but this would be quite a slap in the face to most cereal gurus out there. Well, there's my feeble attempt to create order from chaos; to define something that is essentially ineffable. Laugh if you wish, but the cosmos may have other plans in mind.